Maybe this then...

Today is another day.
At work, but in the library. I am not sure if i need to keep this board, because i can't look at it on my work computer. On the other hand it is very easy to use and walking up and down to the library burns some of the excess calories... (:
It is still dark now 8:15. This time yesterday (late for work) i was still biking, but biking towards a beautiful sunrise (sometimes hidden by buildings or trees).
I wonder how this month will turn out. I just know it is gonna carry alot of stress. Hopefully by the beginning of next year everything is still alright between T and me. This trip to belgium the 30th is gonna be a bit of a test as well too, naturally.
God i am nervous in December...

New

Well, the relationship is still alive. T said i was right and he would try to work on his problems, which he aknowledged he had. Hope he speaks the truth.
Other news: Jennifer Lopez had a big ass in 'the wedding planner' (saw it saturday night on TV, because i had nothing else to do but mope around and wait for mail)
In the first match in the European championship Soccer 2004 Holland faces Germany. Those are always tense games... :)

Day by day

Well Sunday is here again. I am in the library in the hospital. So i can make use of a computer in peace. Home computer merely frustrates me. Besides it can't even bear a browser.
This weekend is a lonely one. My friend went to see her boyfriend. Think she will be back tonight.
Friday i went to a party. A PHD student from work graduated and she threw a party. Since i needed distraction i went, had three glasses of wine and had a reasonably good time. I talked about T with one collegue, so that was a weird intermezzo. I even danced a bit which is rare and the music really sucked, but if you ignore that... Party was over at about two in the morning. Funny thing was i was completely awake still. I slept round three.
Saturday, i slept in. And did some shopping. It was hard to make the day go by. I had planned to reply Thomas on his mail. It turns out we sat down for mailing at the same time, because later that evening i downloaded two emails from the server. My mail to him was very sad and angry at the same time, asking where the logic in continuing is, if we annoy eachother so much. His mail in response asked for another chance. I had asked myself what he could possibly write to make me change my point of view at the moment. I still don't quite know. But he wrote the following in the last sentence: 'it may sound stupid but i want u to give me a chance to let me prove i can do better. maybe u think i have had enough already.'
He also wrote he will write more today, because he was quite tired. I guess i have to wait for that first.
He says it is his lack of self confidence and the feeling that he has nothing important to say that makes him silent. Personally i think that is stupid. I have already told him before that i don't need him to say important stuff. I need him to participate and to be an open person. Believe me i understand shyness, but i think it is ridiculous to behave the way he did. That's what i meant with politeness. When we spend time with his friends he doesn't keep his mouth shut either. I think he needs a phsycologist.
And if he really feels this sick why hasn't he made new doc's appointments. Why not talk with his parents about it... Find a solution. I feel for him, i really do. But come on... Try to make the best of it. Or at least say something.
I don't know... That's my standard line this last week... i don't know. Writing and reading the past emails made me cry and made me not want to miss him. But i find it so important not to just have an intimate friend, but also one that is nice company to be with. My friend also feels somewhat irritated towards him and i can't really blame her. But it makes it harder for me to think positive, because it is very important to me what my friends think. I know how he comes across. I don't understand why he can't be just as open and social with us as with his own friends. Are we intimidating? And if that is how he really feels should i be insulted?
I don't know what to do. I think he should be allowed to prove himself if he asks for it. But i also don't want to waste more time on this. If i could see he tries very hard i might feel differently. This is going to sound horrible: I know i am a very sweet person who deserves better than this.

I have been swallowing my own snot in the mean time. Still not feeling too great. But not too ill to stay at home. I will be going home before lunch today though, because there is little work to do for me anyway. Tomorrow there is a promotion celebrating which i will probably attend. Then i will give my flatmate a lift to a b-day party. I have no clue about what to do this weekend. I am feeling down all week, because of being sick and because of my doubts about my relationship with T.

Great! Now this New thing won't work on this fucking computer and tripod all of a sudden will!
I think the browswer on my work computer is just fucked up.

In the mean time i am still sad over mail. I feel like i have been fooling myself all this time.

New

The mail i received back from T did confuse me. There were some things i could agree on, but there were other things that he shouldn't have brought up. I think i am now not sure what to think. Maybe my eyes are now opened. Perhaps i now realise he has always been like last weekend and i just didn't want to see it, because i don't want to be alone...

I must make this entry because i need to remember how beautiful this season sometimes looks. It would be so great to have one of those gadgets they talk so much about that makes pictures that can be viewed on a computer instantly. :)
There is a fog covering the fields between the highways, barely leaving visual what lies beneath. There are clouds that color pale pink or dark grey, which are hanging just a little above the horizon.
There are birds flying in formation to an unknown destination.

I have talked with my friend and i decide i am equally to blame for the disappointing weekend with T. I am of the opinion that you should never try to make other ppl change for you. I don't want to tell anyone what to do or how he or she should be. I try to accept people the way they are. I think that's not that bad. But maybe there lies no harm in telling someone if there's something i find annoying. Then it is upto the other to want to change or not... I won't have to be annoyed and disappointed if things don't go my way. T might not be a mind reader.
But i still believe deep down that -if it is true that i have to tell someone how i want it- we don't fit. Or maybe i am thinking too cosmic about these things. Soulmates don't exist in large amounts. I would never advise to dump someone on such grounds. I guess i would advise myself to just tell the person that i care for so much what was bothering me... Why don't i practise what i preach?

It is now almost time to call it a day. I am glad to. Have been waiting for blood that never came. Maybe i made a mistake, maybe they were just too lazy to call me to tell me not to expect anything. The weather is terrible i am sad and i have no clue what to buy for dinner; i hope my umbrella still works.